One of the areas from the HEADSPACE 2012 Seminar that’s touched upon by today’s blog topic is what I refer to as the UNREACHABLE BAR (UB for short). Picture in your head, an adjustable pole vault bar – the bar that the olympic athletes run toward and then attempt to jump over. Now take the concept of an adjustable bar (in your head), and allow it to be raised or lowered depending on what we/you experience in our/your environment.
Websites, magazines, and even certain industries (i.e. the wedding industry), create expectations that are often unrealistic and unreachable. Part of “our environment” also includes reality television, or for that matter, ALL television. Today, we’re just going to narrow in on “love-driven” reality television and what these shows do in terms of adjusting the bar. “Love-Driven” reality television targets a couple different demographics, but of particular note are females. Television shows like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Love In The Wild, etc., take the viewer on a journey of discovering love. The locations are often exotic, and the characters often more attractive, and doing better financially than most people in your circle. Romance and love are in the air…aboard yachts…along exotic beaches…and in 5-star accommodations in Fiji (LOL).
By the way, I caught a lot of heat from some of you for referencing a few reality television shows. For the record, I DO catch glimpses of these shows in connection with some of my talks (presentations), but I understand that my acknowledging this fact is like a guy saying, “I read Playboy Magazine…err…for the articles.” Guilty as charged.
When I talk to individuals who CLAIM they are unhappy, what I often find is that their BAR is set to an unrealistic level primarily due to their overall reality. And for the record, I am not just focusing on women. In fact, there are just as many men whose BAR is out of whack as there are women. Whether it’s the kind of person you always hoped to marry, the life you always hoped to have, the house you always hoped to live in – the fact is that those who are unhappy have often set an UNREACHABLE BAR.
It’s not that you shouldn’t have high expectations. Rather, that your expectations should consider what YOU are contributing to the equation. If you have read my blogs for any duration, you know that – in my world, YOU DESERVE NOTHING. NADA. ZIPPO. You are not entitled to a great life. You are not entitled to happiness. You are not entitled to good health. You have to earn it. You have to create it. Therefore, unreachable expectations without equal contribution, is simply unacceptable.
How do you know that you’re talking to someone
whose BAR is way out of touch with reality?
They are often heard making ridiculous comments like, “Duh…I just want to be happy” or “I just want A, B, and C.” These types of comments are so revealing that I did an entire blog post called I JUST WANT – focusing in on just those three words.
The PROBLEM is that unreachable expectations often cause disappointment, and disappointment creates frustration and anger. The frustrated and angry individual will typically take out their “disgust” at their inability to reach the BAR – on the person with whom they share their life.
EXAMPLE:
John works his ass off to pay the bills and create a great life for his family. Mary also works, but more domestically than in the work force. John often feels like he is carrying the world on his shoulders. He works beyond full-time, has to keep track of and pay all the bills, and at the same be a supportive husband and a great dad. At times, life gets the best of John – often causing him to verbally express his frustration. Mary, who is not really willing or able to contribute to “the cause” – continuously complains about “John just not treating me right…John not making the time for my needs…John not ‘being there’ when he is with the family, etc., etc., etc.” But Mary has no solutions – just complaints. Mary watches a lot of reality television and reads a lot of gossip magazines (i.e. PEOPLE). Mary wants the life and experiences of a celebrity/princess, or at the very least, a reality television star. She wants a bouquet of fresh flowers, a bigger home, a personal trainer, a personal chef (or at the very least, meals cooked for her), etc. She wants it all…because, in her eyes, SHE DESERVES IT. Mary doesn’t have any of this, but what she does have A LOT of are complaints.
MARY: “He never asks me if he can do anything for me. He never offers to give me a break from the kids. He just doesn’t talk to me nicely….he….he….he….”
DARK LORD: “What do you do between the time that kids go off to school, and the time they come home? What do you do during those 6.5 hours?”
MARY: “Well, there’s always some laundry…I have my book club, and then usually lunch with one of my friends…and then some grocery shopping…and…”
DARK LORD: “EVERYDAY? Monday through Friday?”
MARY: “Well, uhm…errr….”
DARK LORD: “Do you think John enjoys the fact that you’ve gained 75 lbs, cut your long hair short (which ALL GUYS HATE if you started with long hair – lol), don’t wear makeup, and walk around the house wearing sweats? Do you think that says, ‘I appreciate your hard work’? You don’t have to walk around the house like you work at a strip club, but to go the other way and wear sweats, well, that’s just WRONG”
MARY: “Well…John thinks I’m cute in sweats!”
DARK LORD: “WRONG. He tells you that because he doesn’t want any grief. Mary, you complain as if you were some kind of princess, but you never start your complaints with your CONTRIBUTION. Why is that?”
MARY: “Look…I just want to be happy. I just want to be treated nicely. I just want…I just want…I just want….I just want….”
DARK LORD: “Listen…I know what you WANT. Nowadays, being able to stay home with your kids…even if they are spending their entire day in school, is called a PRIVILEGE. When you are blessed with a PRIVILEGE, you return that favor with gratitude – not a damn laundry list of WANTS. And…to base what you WANT on what you’re seeing on television – where participants are whisked away to foreign lands and are able to toast each other, while resting in a hammock…a few yards away from the beach…underneath a couple palm trees, is so pathetic that I don’t even know where to begin!”
MARY: “But I am a great mom and a good wife!”
DARK LORD: “Says who? YOU? Who cares what you think!!! If someone is going to dedicate their life to give you your life, then the least you can do is demonstrate your gratitude. No real man wants to HEAR gratitude. He wants to see it…and experience it.”
MARY: “But, but, but, but, but…..”
DARK LORD: “BUT NOTHING! Get you ‘BUTT’ to the gym, lose 75 lbs, stop looking like you don’t care about yourself (which says that you don’t care about him), and start showing some appreciation. You don’t REALLY bring to the table as your mommy and daddy told you do. You really AREN’T the catch of a lifetime…and you really aren’t even ‘Joliet Pretty’ – so take a cold hard look in the mirror and shape the hell up!”
MARY: “Waaaaa….waaaa…waaaa…waaa….sniffle…sniffle…sniffle….”
OKAY…
What I ask folks who have set the bar excessively high is, “What do YOU bring to the table that is deserving of the treatment and/or benefits that you desire?” In other words, what I ask is “On what planet are you living that you believe that this other person (i.e. John in the above example) should tear up his own life so that you can ‘live the dream’?”
Folks hate when I ask them this question, especially women. They really hate it. WHY? Because it forces them to consider the fact that their requirements are not on par with their contribution. They have set the BAR far above what they are worth. Yes, I know – it hurts to actually read what you know to be true, but that’s TOO BAD! That’s why I am the Dark Lord…of Life. I’m the guy who opens the blinds.
If you want the life of a princess, then you had better bring something very special to the table. You had better be SMOKING HOT (and I am talking about the Los Angeles version of SMOKING HOT, not the Chicago version), you had better be a sexual dynamo, super intelligent, and have a personality that could light up a room. If you’re not all that and a bag of chips, then you had better burst your own bubble and splash some cold water on your face. And guys, this applies to you as well (if not more). You may see a celebrity when you look in the mirror, but all that means is that you need a new mirror.
I realize that this post will make me some new enemies (hooray!), but I’m very okay with that. Sometimes you have to open Pandora’s Box to make things BETTER. And that’s what I am all about – BEING BETTER.
Don’t forget to register for HEADSPACE 2012.
Have A GREAT Day!
…Dr. Marc – MIND VIRUS