So I’m in a certain business that I will not mention by name, and I’m approached by Sleazy Joe. Why do I refer to this guy as Sleazy Joe? You’ll understand in a minute.
Sleazy Joe likes to come up to me and say things like, “A few of your competitors were in here yesterday. They drove up in a Porsche. I told them that I don’t do business with anyone but you, blah, blah, blah…” (all the time he was winking at me)
A normal person (of which I am NOT) would sit there, let Sleazy Joe say his thing, smile, and then be on his way. If I was in a hurry, which I usually am, then that would have been the case only because I am always fitting two of your days into one of mine.
But THAT DAY, things were different.
I stepped outside, took a deep breath, gathered my thoughts, and then implemented my assault. I waited until Sleazy Joe was with some of his other work colleagues – specifically, his boss. I then approached Sleazy Joe and said the following (paraphrasing my comments due to my inability to remember EVERY word stated)…
ME: Joe, every time I come in, you feel the need to mention “my competition” – of which they are not, and then express your loyalty to me – even though you have never had an affiliation with my business. Joe, that is what I call pandering. You wreak of sleaze! It’s dripping off you like sweat from Alec Baldwin in the scene in The Hunt For Red October – when he’s about to kill the cook (the spy).
Now let me explain something to you: I don’t drive nice vehicles because I don’t care about nice vehicles. I like motorcycles Joe. Regardless, what kind of idiot would actually evaluate someone on the car they drive? Any schmuck can go out and lease just about anything. Are you THAT stupid that you judge someone’s bank account by what they drive…or what kind of watch they wear…or their clothing? Warren Buffet drives what kind of car?
SLEAZY JOE: Dr. Marc, I wasn’t….
ME: Joe, shut the ___ up! I’ll tell you when I’m finished. Joe, I know those guys and I know they do well. And while I couldn’t give a crap what someone’s income is, why would you EVER make an assumption simply by observing how someone dances into your business? That’s like judging someone based on the crap they sling at a high school reunion.
SLEAZY JOE: No, it’s not….
ME: Joe – buddy, I still don’t want you to speak. Shhh. Now let me explain something to you. I want you to listen very carefully. I think you are a scum-bag salesman. You wreak of sleaze. And, I just want you to know that – after a couple of years of listening to your crap, I have decided to open the window and let in some fresh air.
Joe, I like to come in here and browse, but I would never buy anything from this dealership. In fact, I go out of my way to tell people that you guys are a bunch of crooks.
BOSS: Dr. Marc, I am so sorry that…
ME: If I want any crap from you, I’ll squeeze your ears. SHUT up!
I know that not everyone here is like Sleazy Joe, but the fact that you (talking now to Sleazy Joe’s boss) would have Sleazy Joe in your employment tells me all I need to know about how you operate your business. I will not accept an apology. I just want to let you know that – with each passing day, I make an concerted effort to steer people away from your business. Ask anyone who knows me if I have said anything and if it’s in my nature to reduce those I dislike to shreds – regardless of how long it takes. Go ahead. And I can tell you without a doubt, it’s working. At this point, the only way to shut me up is to can Sleazy Joe and basically give me a completely tricked out ____.
Since we both know that’s not going to happen, all I can say is goodbye. I just wanted you to know that Sleazy Joe’s scum-bag, stereotypical, sleaze-ball sales persona is completely transparent and probably does more harm than good. People aren’t that stupid…which is why your business is hurting and will continue to bleed. I just wanted you to meet your vampire – ME!
THE POINT: I can smell sleaze. I have a big nose, and man can this baby smell your stink.
I can smell someone who thinks he’s my best buddy. To think that you can BS me is so ridiculous that it’s beyond incredible. You can’t blow roses in my face, and yet, a few of you (even some of you who have attended my seminars) continue to do it – thinking that my lack of response is an indication of your success.
I need some of you to understand something: I am the type of person who NEVER forgets those who have crossed him. I keep a list, and being the DARK person that I am, I use that list as propulsion. If you have been a Sleazy Joe, I am asking you to stop…for your own good. Really. I am a bad person. So please, don’t try to sleaze me. Don’t try to blow roses in my face:
DUFUS: “I’m going to tell Dr. Marc that I sent his E-Zine to all our friends. That should make him feel warm all over man.”
BUFUS: “You ARE the man! You’ve got that Swerdlick like putty in your hands!”
I have always been straight with my audiences, and I have always been straight with my clients. I expect nothing less in return. If you think – even for a moment, that you MAY be “toying” with me, my suggestion is to confess your crime and get as far away from me as you can. I’m simply telling you that if you mess with the Dark Lord, the response is worse than a life’s sentence.
Have A GREAT Day!
…Dr. Marc – THE DARK LORD