A client asked me yesterday afternoon, “Marc, what’s the single most annoying thing for you to hear when working with a client?” My answer: A sentence that begins with “I just need to…”
EX: “I just need to put my mind to it.”
EX: “I just need to get organized.”
EX: “I just need to start eating better.”
EX: “I just need to implement…”
It’s not the actual words in the sentence that piss me off, rather – the type of thinking behind “I just need to…” Those of you who know me, KNOW that I never really cared for motivational gurus or folks who told you that you simply had to form a mental picture of yourself living a great life, and presto – that life would be yours. I still DO NOT care for that kind of garbage. Why? Because it doesn’t work.
EXAMPLE – MOTIVATIONAL GURU:
“Hey everyone, thanks for coming to my seminar. Ooooooo…it’s going to be WON-derful! First thing’s first: I would like everyone to go over and see my assistant Stardust (that’s her real name), and she will sell you my book and DVD, ‘How To Dream Your Way To Millions.’ I usually sell the book and manual for $3,777.77, but today – for you special people, it’s just $97.77! Hooray! Special things are going to happen during this magical weekend. On Monday morning, you will be ready to fly! When you go home, I want you to quit that job you hate so much. Then I want you to dream about your perfect job. Don’t stop dreaming until that phone rings – and it will. When that phone rings, it will be your new boss on the other end – begging you to take that $2 million dollar a year job.” Yes! Yes! Yes! Somebody get their ass over here and high-five me!”
In my world, something works when it works consistently. If it doesn’t work consistently, then it’s crap. In the rest of the world, if something works occasionally, then it is said to “work” – and then everyone raves about it.
The “I just need to…” folks have what I often refer to a “back of the house” problem. I use this expression for many reasons, but primarily because of my work over the years with folks in the hospitality industry. A restaurant, for example, is divided up into two primary sections; the front of the house and the back of the house. The front of the house is the public area, and the back of the house is the kitchen. You could very well have the most beautiful restaurant on the planet, but if the back of the house is screwed, then so is the restaurant. Sexy servers and kick-ass interior design will only save you for so long.
The “I just need to…” person has usually two primary areas where they can assign blame for not doing what they are supposed to be doing (for themselves, for their spouse, for their family, for those in their personal and professional lives, etc.):
A). People
B). Circumstances
When the “I just need to…” person blames another person (or persons), it usually goes something like, “I used to be a go-getter, but then my wife left me and I just can’t find the desire to…”
SHUT UP!
First, understand the word “left” – as in “She left me.” That was yesterday. The past. It’s over. If you screwed up, then you screwed up. Shit happens. If she screwed up, then she’ll screw up again and blame you for everything wrong in her life. That’s what victims do.
“That bastid wanted me to lose 300 lbs, pluck my facial hair, wear makeup and actually go to the gym. What an a-hole he was! I told him that he should accept me for who I am…even though, when we got married, I was a size 4 and a swimsuit model. Okay, so I put on a few pounds. What’s it to ya? Then he asked me why someone who wanted other people to accept a person for who she was, would dye her hair. The nerve of that guy! How dare he ask me a question that made sense. What a jerk! See what I mean?”
It’s time to move for you to move forward. The important thing is considering HOW you should move forward (which you will learn at the HEADSPACE SEMINAR in October at Planet Hollywood – Las Vegas…shameless plug). You won’t learn this anywhere else, but I won’t be upset if you keep searching…and searching…and searching. Second, stop with the “She was my whole life…she had my heart…she was my rock, blah, blah, blah…” crap. The only reason you’re saying that is because you were weak to begin with, and you’re still weak now. Whenever I hear someone say that, I PUKE – and then remind the person whistling off that garbage, that someone in that relationship was relying just a wee too much on their other half.
“But Dr. Marc, that’s because you don’t understand
how close we were. You just can’t relate!”
WRONG. I met my wife Katy while we were in professional school (under stress). We have been together ever since. We work together, enjoy doing things together (all kinds of “things”), and love vacationing together. THAT’S WHY WE GOT MARRIED. I don’t have to prance around saying crap like, “She’s my rock…she’s my best friend…she’s my…” Okay – but if you’re actually verbalizing that kind of stuff, then I’m here to tell you that you have some insecurity issues that need immediate attention.
Side Note: I’m not saying that our life is peaches and cream. We have our bad days just like everyone else, but we know who we are, and we are fully aware of what the other person in the relationship EXPECTS. Game-changing is not acceptable.
When the “I just need to…” blames circumstances, it usually goes something like, “I haven’t been able to find a job in six months. Man, this economy is unbelievable. How come President ____ hasn’t found me a job. All the jobs that could have been mine are going to X, Y, and Z.”
Really? Maybe you always sucked at what you did, someone realized it, and better people are getting “your” job. How about that stupid? Could that be it or is it everyone else’s fault?” UNDERSTAND THIS: You do not deserve a job. You are not entitled to a job. You EARN a job, and then you should do your best to retain it. Either that or go work for yourself. You are entitled to nothing. That’s why they call owning your own home and having a good job, The American Dream and not The American Entitlement.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION
The ““I just need to…” folks will never actually live a fulfilled life. Says ME, that’s who. How do I know this? Let’s just say that I have incredible observational skills and can tell you the end of the story simply by looking at what’s in front of me.
The “I just need to…” folks are the
ones who turn into VICTIMS.
The “I just need to…” folks are the ones who turn
into the WOULDA – COULDA – SHOULDA folks.
The “I just need to…” folks also tend to have an
ever-growing list of HEALTH and WEIGHT ISSUES.
An “I just need to…” cannot change on their own unless they are reprogrammed. It’s not opinion. It’s FACT. While many “couch professionals” attempt to help these folks, the bottom line is that – more often than not, the problem persists.
The “I just need to…” will attempt to accept him or herself for the mediocre person they are. They will buy a book on “How To Love Yourself In 7 Days,” only to find that loving the inner person – who is the equivalent of a jetliner with an engine held on by a piece of tape, may not be the way to go through life. The potential is there, but the effort is not. The idea of accepting yourself for who you are is ridiculous. If that were actually valid, then WHY do we have such a thing as self-improvement. We have self-improvement sections in the bookstore. There are self-improvement systems, CD’s, DVD’s, and of course – self-improvement gurus. Why? BECAUSE people aren’t perfect and can stand a little BETTERMENT.
I can promise you that the “I just need to…” individual is someone who will tell you that, “As soon as A, B, and C are in the past, THEN I can do _____.” Trust me when I tell you that the circumstances will never be right for the “I just need to…” There will ALWAYS be another catastrophe. There will ALWAYS be more drama. There will ALWAYS be something that, in the scheme of things – is not so significant, but will provide the ““I just need to…” with another reason to do NOTHING.
I hope that those of you who need to get your head on straight, will spend the weekend with us out in Las Vegas in October. It will be a working weekend, but it will be rewarding and fun. You WILL be exhausted. But if you ask ANYONE who knows me, or ANYONE who has attended one of my seminars, they will tell you that I over-deliver. This seminar is another opportunity for me to raise the bar. AND I WILL.
Have A GREAT Day!
…Dr. Marc