Victim-minded individuals (and a few psychologists) view
Controlling and Control as being one and the same.
They would be WRONG.
A quick refresher: A victim-minded person is someone who goes through life wondering why they are always experiencing bad luck and misfortune. Their days are always “cloudy with a single break of sun (MAYBE)” vs. “sunny with the slight possibility of a cloud.”
Victim-minded folks hate anything that sounds even remotely like Control. That’s understandable – especially since those who are victim-minded typically have lives that are seemingly out-of-control. The typical profile of the victim-minded individual is someone who is on the lesser two-thirds of the educational spectrum, and who has previously allowed someone to run their life as if they were a puppet. They say things like, “Control is just an illusion, blah, blah, blah…”
I am fortunate to be married to a woman who is very intelligent. She is her own person. That’s why I married her. I don’t MAKE her go on motorcycle rides (although she plans more of them than do I), and she doesn’t MAKE me read fiction. If you were to visit my office, you would see that I do not own even ONE book that’s fiction – only NON-FICTION.
No one of any intelligence would label me as Controlling, but those who work with me would definitely say that I do like Control (as in a Control Freak). More on the Control Freak thing in just a minute.
A Controlling person tends to continually attempt to mold everyone in their immediate environment like him/herself. The Controlling person tends to rob the individual of his/her individuality. For example, I know many guys who married Controlling women who have subsequently sucked the life out of their spouses. These guys used to be fun, but are now “wimpified.” FYI: These guys NEED my HEADSPACE Seminar…yesterday! Sadly, their over-bearing wives won’t let them attend my seminar, never mind that it’s in SWERDVEGAS. These guys would rather give in to the crap than listen to their wives give them a never-ending verbal beating:
“Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. You don’t appreciate me! You go to work and sit in your office all day like a Mr. Big Shot while I stay at home and raise YOUR children. Who cares that you gave me a life that requires me to do very little, and yet – be able to stay home. Who cares that you paid for all of my cosmetic enhancements so that I can look young and sexy when I’m out with my friends. When you get your ass home, my girlfriends and I are going out for Cosmopolitans. Goodness knows that we don’t need the calories, but we DESERVE it! And guess what we’ll be doing while we’re sitting around the table; pretending that we’re a bunch of cougars. That’s right – we’ll be ripping our husbands a new one – behind their backs of course. Oh, and by the way, there is NO WAY that I am letting you go to Las Vegas to listen to that a-hole tell you how to run your life. I can run your life for you just fine, thanks – and it won’t cost you a plane ticket.”
Then, of course, are women who are overly-dominated by their man:
“Sweetie, only an idiot reads fiction. Why are you reading those trashy romantic novels when instead, you could be reading U.S. News & World Report. How many times can you read about his ‘throbbing…..’? Sooo…I saw you talking with that guy at the gym. He is undressing you with his eyes. What did he say to you? He wants you! Never go near him again. By the way, I hate all of your friends. Repeat after me honey: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
Now THAT’S Controlling.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I live in my own world. Within the world known as THE DARK LORD, I do my best to Control as much of my environment as I can (to the degree that it’s possible to do so). I am Prenoic (Pre + Paranoid). I am a CONTROL FREAK.
I understand that shit can happen, but I also KNOW that taking a few extra steps can insure a better experience – even if it’s something as simple as taking (or making) a poop. As a well-prepared Control Freak, I make sure that I have ample toilet-tissue in the restroom, as well as some reading material if I sense that it’s going to be a long visit on the throne (usually after a spicy meal). Usually I’m pretty quick, but you never know when you’re going to have to settle in for the long haul.
I don’t have all my shoes lined up “just so” in my closet, but I do have them all polished just in case something comes up and I need to be somewhere where motorcycle boots would be seen as “overly-unacceptable.” My clothes are folded and/or hanging with care, yet our kitchen pantry is, shall we say, a little less than organized. A Control Freak like yours truly, doesn’t see himself or herself as a feather in the wind. Knowing what I can and cannot “influence” allows me to have greater peace of mind – more so than someone who believes that he or she is a leaf being carried through life by a raging river.
MY POINT: It is a good thing to attempt to have some Control over your life, but only to the point where you realize that you can’t control the weather and you can’t control the actions of others. A victim will allow the weather and other folks in their life to run the day. A Control Freak will turn on the Weather Channel and pack an umbrella. And if lunch is scheduled for 1:00 with a friend who is always running 30 minutes behind – on a day in which there is a meeting at 2:30, the Control Freak will cancel lunch with the friend.
Don’t let weak people (victims) run your life.
There are more victims in this
world than there are successes.
That’s just the way it is.
When someone (usually a woman) calls me a Control Freak, I say “Thank you!” Then I follow up by saying the following:
DR. MARC: “Let me guess: You have a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and you have allowed men to run all over you. Correct? Of course I’m correct. You have made one bad decision after the next, but NOW – no MAN is going to have any impact on your life, because ALL MEN like to…”
WOMAN: “Like…Oh my gawd – you know me inside and out. I am just a free spirit. I wear what I want, and I do what I want. I don’t let things get to me, yadda, yadda, yadda…”
I’m not suggesting that being a free spirit is a bad thing, but to suggest that people who attempt to have more Control over the “course of their ship” (rather than letting the tides decide) are more stressed or will die younger, is just stupid. I find that, the more Control Freakish I am when it comes to various avenues of my life, the more relaxed I am with the arrival of each new day.
If you’re not in Control of your life,
then you should be at HEADSPACE.
Have A GREAT Day!
…Dr. Marc